Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
