I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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