i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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