Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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