i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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