if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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