Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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