Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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