So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Michael Bay diarrhea
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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