This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
