dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
