i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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