remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
