Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
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so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
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If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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