so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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