For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
