Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hippo gnu deer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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