Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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