i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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