i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
