He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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