I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I won the penis lottery.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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