she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
