So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
