My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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