New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
