I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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