Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
