I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
