I wish I could teleport
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
