ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
