If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize