I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
