i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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