I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
