You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
