I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
