can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
