I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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