Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
