Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
