when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
