Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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