Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
