seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
