im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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