If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
