I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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