i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
