ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
