After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
