I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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