I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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