I think my vagina is haunted
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
