If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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